Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
