What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize