WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
