I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
