We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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