I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
