I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
