Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
