Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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