is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
