Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
