finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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