GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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