Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
