guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
