Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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