I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
