I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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