in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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