Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
