I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
