Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
