It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Enjoy the penises
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
