come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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