apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
porn star boner night. come get it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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