I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
