I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
