I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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