it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I am naked and annoyed.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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