I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
