Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
