remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
