You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
