He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
