Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
