Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
