Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
