i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
