I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
