Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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