He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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