the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
