I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
