Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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