thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
