Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
