got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
