Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
