I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
