Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
